Wednesday, 13 January 2010

Temporarily Numb

The cold in Kolkata has frozen me to the core. I sleep twisted in blankets, and wear bright socks to keep my toes warm. Gone are the days of proper baths every morning and night - a quick shower and lingering over the hair dryer is what happens now.

The cold seems to have seeped into me as well. Sometimes, one is terribly afraid. And sometimes, I make a joke out of everything I care about.
The worst moments are those though, where I absolutely do not want to do anything productive at all. It is not because I am scared to try. Neither is it because I am caught in a vicious cycle of futile planning and failed implementation. In fact, I don't really know why this happens to me from time to time. I could just be sitting wrapped up in shawls and suddenly, all deadlines will vanish and all worry will cease. I will realise with complete clarity that this is my life. There are no timetables I need to abide by anymore, there is no one I fear disappointing and there is no one whose opinions could affect. In a way, I have absolutely nothing to lose.

These are the worst, because when these happen, I don't know what to do with myself anymore. There is a blankness that makes me feel, I have too many years ahead of me to live, without fear, anxiety or worries to conquer. That there is nothing to lose, may also mean I don't have anything to hold on to anymore. Or that I am already fatalistic about the good things in my life right now, and true, we will all end in ashes someday, but there must be some purpose to life before it all melts away.

Then, my own petty purposes seem very mundane and I feel ashamed of not having any noble targets that I could dedicate my life to. With utmost honesty, there is very little I need in life. I sometimes want several things, and sometimes, I realise I don't really want much. It's all very confusing. I wish I could find a way to figure out what the emptiness could be replaced with and worked towards. Or maybe it is because since I have always been rushing towards some target or the other, the sudden lack of purpose leaves me with absolutely nothing to look forward to.

I'm sure when I've been disappointed in life, I have never thought, I was lucky in a way to feel the disappointment. Otherwise, I would not have felt the highs either. And right now, I guess, I am irked because I feel neither.


Alokananda said...

hi...just lay back and relax....u need that...yes you might have run towards targets all the time and now the lack of a definitive purpose disturbs you...but it's always not about pursuit,it's also about living each day!
In time u will be greeted by more enjoy the lull :)

Mellow Muse said...

very dark n deep post..
this one i loved teh most!

The Nobody. said...

I love your dark, real style of writing. I wish you would post now in 2011.