Saturday, 23 January 2010

The more things change, not much really does

I have come to realise, in general, my talents do not extend to matters of emotion and sentiment. I am woefully inadequate in handling almost any situation where I could be misunderstood.

This is quite serious.

I worry now, about things I say, things I don't say, expressions I have and when my face is blank. I also realise, I hate hurting people and I hate getting hurt. In equal amounts. Since one of the two is always bound to happen, given the kind of weird, mad world we all inhabit nowadays, I end up either feeling apologetic or unhappy.

The other observation I have made concerns how everything comes full circle. Inspite of all the changes, twists and turns, ultimately, I seem to end up in the same spots time and again. And I feel exactly the same way I did earlier. Sometimes, there are subtle reminders of how quickly things around me are changing. Friends are having babies, my students don't have a clue about the old Doordarshan programmes I suddenly mention, I enter a new decade this year.

Yet, there has been absolutely no real transition. I am exactly where I was five years before this moment, the only changes are purely in terms of education and professional qualifications. That apart, the worries are the same, the mood swings are the same, I just don't get the same responses from people, because obviously, I don't look the same.

I wonder when the internal transition will take place for some definitive change to finally kick in!

1 comment:

lunatic on the grass said...

The day you end up feeling "RIGHT" is the day you will feel "GOOD"

I personally do not prefer these mood swings of yours, so I did not like to see them written in bold words. However, its good that you have written it down. At least now, you can take control. Perhaps.